21 June 2011

Get Your Geek On

I've decided I'm a late geek bloomer.  Recently I've been watching random Star Trek NG when it's on tv, and now I want to watch them all in order.  Then the movies.  I'm also starting Battlestar Galactica.  What is with this obsession with science fiction all of a sudden?

I think it's more of a love of fantasy.  Things that could happen, could have been (a shout-out to my great love Star Wars), or that I wish somewhere deep down do occur unseen.  Thinking about all of this brings me to other geekdom loves, such as comic characters.  Their struggle with the ultimate good and evil.  This is something we obviously all love.  It is apparent in epic movies and now movies based on comic book characters and their stories are quite prevalent today.  The first comic book hero to come to the big screen was Superman.  And he is by far my all-time favorite.

I started getting interested in the story when Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman started airing on TV.  I was in high school.  Since then I got into Smallville, and with the end of that series, which very much touched my heart, I've watched the old Superman movies, gone back and watched some of the Lois and Clark TV series, and had a desire to find out about the Superman lore from the comics.  The story of a man who could have everything and yet strives against all odds to do good and be a good person and help the world around him speaks to us, I think, because of a different reason.

Anyway, I don't want to get philosophical, but the point is...Jesus is my superman.  And I am so grateful to be his Lois Lane.  To be saved over and over, even when it doesn't look like there is any way out.  Maybe there's a reason my inner geek is striving to grow.  Maybe it's coinciding with spiritual growth for a reason.

14 June 2011

It could be worse.

I keep reminding myself, it could be worse.  I feel so alone, isolated, far from my loved ones, and like an utter failure.  Then, I think, why should I focus on how much worse it could be?  It doesn't make me feel better, or any happier.  I actually feel worse.  Because as bad as I feel, there are people who feel more desolate and lost than I do.  If that's possible, and I'm sure it is, then I'm just now starting to understand the depravity of this world.  It truly is a dark and lonely place.  Instead, I try to focus on my Savior.  It is hard because I cannot see him or feel him right now.  But I know he's there.  And right now, that's enough to get me to tomorrow.

12 June 2011


I was driving down O Street.  My car has been having some issues, so it's hard for me to get started, but once I get going I'm ok.  Each stoplight kept turning red right when I got to it.  I'd have to get going all slow and cars were passing me on both sides.  I felt such a parallel to my life right now.  Every time things get going, and things seem to be looking up, I have to start all over again.  And the faster or higher I get, the lower and harder I fall.  It takes longer each time to get going again.  I feel so beaten down.  E's health issues have affected every aspect of our lives.  I can't work much because he needs so much attention.  C doesn't get as much attention, and really E doesn't get as much as he would if he was healthy either.  Most of our time is spent getting feedings ready, and he sleeps a lot of the time in between.  We don't get much sleep, and when we do get a good amount (5-6 hours), it's broken into at least two chunks.  It's starting to really wear me down.  Maybe I'm just having a bad day.  Our finances are horrendous.  We thought we were really making progress, even in to April.  That first hospital stay was the start of a downhill mudslide. Between expensive formula, then more expensive formula, then using higher concentrations and thus going through the most expensive formula even faster....and expensive medicines....and huge bills from his stays and treatments, labs and tests and many many visits to the pediatrician...I'm starting to feel pretty beaten down.  Maybe this is just something we all go through at some point.  I know things will look up sometime soon.  

This is how I feel today.  My emotions are all over the place, but they are trapped beneath the surface...as if it is cold out and I'm a lake, and even when there's a break in the ice, the top freezes over so quickly nothing can get out.

I have other feelings.  I feel so afraid that there's something lurking behind E's health issues.  That we are only treating symptoms of some monster that has yet to rear its ugly head.  I am afraid that C will feel neglected, or that she will prefer others to me because I'm not there for her like I have been in the past.  I'm afraid of every cough or sneeze or worse, stomach bug that we cross b/c that will be enough to throw E over the edge.  I'm afraid that JD will have to miss more work, when he really can't miss work, and I'm afraid that if he ever gets sick even for a couple days, that I can't do things on my own.  I'm afraid for this week, that I can't handle everything on my plate, and won't be able to even take care of both kids at once by myself.  I'm afraid of losing myself.

But I am grateful too.  I am so thankful for our family.  JD's family have supported us beyond measure, both physically and emotionally.  They have given so much of their time and love for our grandkids, and they love doing it and never make us feel like we owe them or like they are doing us a favor.  They shower us with grace and love and I will never be able to show them how grateful I am.  My mom and CS have been amazing as well.  Mom went clear to Omaha with me, and then came back and stayed with me.  CS and JC have both helped around the house so much, clearing gutters, trimming trees, mowing, fixing things...and LC has given me so much motivation and emotional support.  Not to mention being very flexible with work.  Everyone has been wonderful...asking how we are doing.  And I know how much worse it could be.  I've done so much research...I've seen families going through things sooooooo much more intense and terrifying.  I'm grateful that we are able to be home, and that E is happy and relatively healthy and growing.

Most of all I am humbled by my heavenly Father.  I feel safe, despite my fears, tears, and anguish.  I know He is holding my family in His hands...and that He has a plan for us.  My children are His, and I am so grateful for the gift of them.  I know He will always provide for us, and that He will give us peace and somehow carry us through this mess.

06 June 2011

The View From Up Here

I'm sitting here, on a bench in a hospital room in Omaha, looking out at the city and wondering why time never stays the same.  Time is supposed to be a constant, always moving at the same pace.  Why does it fly?  Why does it stop?  How can it do those things, and yet still be moving at the same old rate it always does at the same time?

Cars fly by constantly on Dodge Street, so I know there are people out there living their lives.  Someone hit the pause button in my life.  All the things I thought I would be doing, they aren't getting done.  The important thing is that progress is being made, despite the halt of time in my universe.  I look out at the bushy, broccoli-like tops of the trees that fill the horizon, and think...they must know how I feel.