This blog has now moved to http://farragogrey.wordpress.com
While I love my blog here, everything else I do is at wordpress, and so in an effort to streamline, I have moved. Come check it out though, it's awesome, like me. ;)
17 June 2012
08 June 2012
Oh.
Last fall, right around the time the air was growing crisp and getting thinner and we were somewhere between stuffing our faces with turkey, we felt it. We were going to church every Sunday, feeling the presence of God, and knowing that something was happening. We already "know" that God has a calling for us. But at that point, we KNEW it. God wanted us to GO somewhere and do something. We went to an informational meeting, in which we were the only couple to show up, about a church planting mission. A somewhat long term mission overseas. Exciting, scary...we had absolutely no idea how on earth it could even happen. But we know that with God, not just anything is possible. These silly obstacles that seem so intimidating and impossible to us are NOTHING when God has something planned.
Well, we kind of lost touch. I think that we were really onto something, that we were on the right track, but were weren't vigilant and we definitely weren't aware of what was happening. We let life get in the way in a major way, and we didn't even go to church for a good three months. We fell back into BLAH. But we have been getting back there again. And with that, comes the reason for this post.
God spoke to Jon. He audibly told him, "Go." We have no specifics. We don't know if missions, or a move is in order....if God wants Jon to go do something tomorrow, or our family to make a huge life change. The only thing we know is that it is right, and that we need to pursue this, pray on it, and tell people about it. God's way will be revealed. And now I am having this sneaking suspicion that we are really at a crucial juncture. Not something that seems obvious to us, except we are under some major attack right now. Which is backfiring, because it is making me more aware of God, my need for him, our need to seek him together, and pray pray pray.
I used to fly by the seat of my pants. I loved to be spontaneous and just do something. I have become someone who now finds comfort and safety in knowing what is going to happen. I don't think that is who I am, I think that is a comfort thing, we have become too comfortable here. Making rules for our lives and time is flying by without anything really happening. It is time for that to stop. I can't think of my little walls I've created as being an actual ok thing...they are obstacles to God's will. These walls are protection, but they won't really protect me from anything. They are illusion. The only real safety and protection is in Christ.
Looking back from this place I am in now, I can see a theme emerging.
When I graduated from high school, God told me to GO. Although I almost did, I chickened out and took the safe road.
A year later, He was saying it again, but I was farther away...and couldn't hear Him clearly. I managed to make the biggst move of my life, I went to Grace University in Omaha. It is here that I made the most fulfilling relationships, had an amazing year, and learned about God in new ways. And I met Jon.
We got married, and throughout our marriage, we have struggled with what to do. A little bit aimlessly we sought God in our own feeble ways, and just kind of drifted for awhile. We did a few different things. Took care of my grandparents, started school, quit school, played in a band, played in a handful of worship bands, almost finished a four year degree, had a couple babies....and started a photography business.
All I know is that I have these skills inside me that are CRYING OUT to be used for God. All I want is to use them for His glory. That is the message that I get. Find a way! Jon hears the voice of God. I feel overwhelmed, totally and completely sure in a moment in time that I should be doing this. But again, no hows, no wheres.
I think that in time, this post will be interesting. To see where our emotions, our hearts were in this intersection of our lives. Where we could do a thousand things, or not do anything, which I think would be worse.
God is telling us to GO now and we are going to go. We are going. We are moving in the right direction, even though we don't know what direction that is. And he is going to reveal an awesome plan for us, for our family, and we are going to have an adventure for God. To live a life of meaning, and that meaning is all about His glory and other people.
07 June 2012
Into Marvelous Light
I love that song. Into marvelous light I'm running. Out of darkness and out of shame. What a great song to come on while I am running the last part of my run today!
Something happens when I am running. I can see more colors, more definition. I can feel the breeze with every skin cell. My mind goes into deep currents, flowing into thoughts that seem profound and I feel enlightened. But when I get home, much of that is lost. Like a dream. Some of it stays, some of it stays with me deeply, and I am more whole, closer to God, and more content than I knew possible.
Running gives me energy, gives me life, and gives me a chance to have a quiet time to think and communicate with my God. It is a truly awesome thing!
And by the way, I am on week four of Couch 2 5K. I am just starting to run more than walk, and interval running is amazing. I cannot wait until I can run and run and seemingly not grow weary....ok so I know I will grow weary. But I see where I am going, I have clear goals. I am running a 3K race in two days....I am actually doing this! It's scary, amazing, rejuvinating....I love everything about it. Even the soreness, the mornings when I feel like I can't, the heat, the rain, the cool sweet morning light and the new air...it feels new to me. That is my favorite thing.
Something happens when I am running. I can see more colors, more definition. I can feel the breeze with every skin cell. My mind goes into deep currents, flowing into thoughts that seem profound and I feel enlightened. But when I get home, much of that is lost. Like a dream. Some of it stays, some of it stays with me deeply, and I am more whole, closer to God, and more content than I knew possible.
Running gives me energy, gives me life, and gives me a chance to have a quiet time to think and communicate with my God. It is a truly awesome thing!
And by the way, I am on week four of Couch 2 5K. I am just starting to run more than walk, and interval running is amazing. I cannot wait until I can run and run and seemingly not grow weary....ok so I know I will grow weary. But I see where I am going, I have clear goals. I am running a 3K race in two days....I am actually doing this! It's scary, amazing, rejuvinating....I love everything about it. Even the soreness, the mornings when I feel like I can't, the heat, the rain, the cool sweet morning light and the new air...it feels new to me. That is my favorite thing.
17 April 2012
An Update on E
Last year we had a caring bridge website for E. With all his issues, we had plenty to share on a regular basis, but I stopped doing it when he seemed to be getting better. Well, here we are, almost exactly a year after his first trip to the hospital, and I have a new update. He hasn't been gaining weight again. It has now been over a month with no weight gain. He had climbed very slowly from the 3% to almost 15% in about 6 months time. Now he is back down to 7%. He's still 20lbs, and I am just hoping he doesn't drop below that because I had this whole ceremonious event where I threw out his crappy infant carseat and graduated him to a convertible one......lol. It isn't unheard of for a 13 month old to not gain or even lose as they become more active. His activity level really hasn't changed much in the past two months. He takes a couple steps, he stands, he crawls mostly. He plays with C. His development seems normal, except for maybe his speech, but it's really early to tell for that.
We decided to switch GI doctors...ours were not being helpful, our appointments were three months apart and always lasted at least 2-3 hours. But no tests were ever done to check his progress, severity of the reflux, not allergy tests...nothing. At the very first appointment, when I told him E had MSPI, he told me he didn't believe food intolerances existed. At that point, I didn't know enough to question what he was saying. Instead, I was humiliated and intimidated. At our last appointment in March, the doctor told us, word for word, that E would never grow big and strong unless he was eating soy and dairy. I felt like he was saying that I wouldn't have a big tough football player unless I fed my kid crap. Because, seriously, you don't need soy and dairy anyway. E's food issues have taken our entire family on an incredible road to eating whole, healthy, and happy diets. Happy in that I don't get bloated, I don't have indigestion or stomach pains, and we are losing weight. It's a wonderful thing...but I digress.....(to read more about that, click here)
So anyway, we got a referral from our pedi and were able to get an appointment in just two weeks (unheard of in the GERD world), and saw the new doctor Monday. He was wonderful! He was kind, he listened, we actually talked to him and not some random other ten people first. After asking us questions (and by the way, he got E's info from Children's before our appointment and knew what was going on), he decided E should have an upper endoscopy with biopsies of his esophagus, stomach, and upper intestines, and a lower flex-sigmoidoscopy to check for damage in the lower tract. And we are scheduled for April 27th. It's crazy how fast...after how slow.....it's just overwhelming. In a good way. So in the week and a half between, we are giving E little bits of dairy, soy, and wheat. If eosinophils (cells your body releases to fight allergies) show up in the biopsies, we know his food intolerances are actually allergies. And the reflux would then be a product of that. Either way, that question should be answered for us. Any course of action that would take E off the waaay too high of a dose of prevacid he needs to fight the reflux would be wonderful. Especially since now we are only able to get the name brand, and it costs so much. It is totally worth it to have him able to sleep and eat, but if there's a better way to control it all, especially if medication wasn't needed...wow that would be amazing. Pipe dream? Maybe...but who cares! It's a good dream to have.
I know a lot of people followed his progress last year, and I am so grateful for it. Any prayers or encouragement is so welcome. Thank you friends!
We decided to switch GI doctors...ours were not being helpful, our appointments were three months apart and always lasted at least 2-3 hours. But no tests were ever done to check his progress, severity of the reflux, not allergy tests...nothing. At the very first appointment, when I told him E had MSPI, he told me he didn't believe food intolerances existed. At that point, I didn't know enough to question what he was saying. Instead, I was humiliated and intimidated. At our last appointment in March, the doctor told us, word for word, that E would never grow big and strong unless he was eating soy and dairy. I felt like he was saying that I wouldn't have a big tough football player unless I fed my kid crap. Because, seriously, you don't need soy and dairy anyway. E's food issues have taken our entire family on an incredible road to eating whole, healthy, and happy diets. Happy in that I don't get bloated, I don't have indigestion or stomach pains, and we are losing weight. It's a wonderful thing...but I digress.....(to read more about that, click here)
So anyway, we got a referral from our pedi and were able to get an appointment in just two weeks (unheard of in the GERD world), and saw the new doctor Monday. He was wonderful! He was kind, he listened, we actually talked to him and not some random other ten people first. After asking us questions (and by the way, he got E's info from Children's before our appointment and knew what was going on), he decided E should have an upper endoscopy with biopsies of his esophagus, stomach, and upper intestines, and a lower flex-sigmoidoscopy to check for damage in the lower tract. And we are scheduled for April 27th. It's crazy how fast...after how slow.....it's just overwhelming. In a good way. So in the week and a half between, we are giving E little bits of dairy, soy, and wheat. If eosinophils (cells your body releases to fight allergies) show up in the biopsies, we know his food intolerances are actually allergies. And the reflux would then be a product of that. Either way, that question should be answered for us. Any course of action that would take E off the waaay too high of a dose of prevacid he needs to fight the reflux would be wonderful. Especially since now we are only able to get the name brand, and it costs so much. It is totally worth it to have him able to sleep and eat, but if there's a better way to control it all, especially if medication wasn't needed...wow that would be amazing. Pipe dream? Maybe...but who cares! It's a good dream to have.
I know a lot of people followed his progress last year, and I am so grateful for it. Any prayers or encouragement is so welcome. Thank you friends!
15 April 2012
The Little Moments
A good friend mentioned to me today that she has been having a lot of little moments, where you relish the good things in life, and have this overwhelming feeling of being content. She said it makes her more relaxed. I thought I'd share one of these moments I had recently, and reflect on it a bit, since I could use a little relaxation these days.
Jon and I had gone on a road trip recently, about half a day's drive. We were so tired that by the time we got to the in-laws to pick up E, it was late and we had been on the road and neither of us could barely keep our eyes open. We still had an hour drive home, and had to stop and get C and the dogs at my mom's, get home and get the kids back to bed, and unload the car. That feeling of having so much to do when you are so tired....it's not a good feeling. On the interstate, Jon and I sat in the glow of the radio light and had tidbits of quiet conversation, and little E sat in his carseat, where he usually sleeps, and quietly babbled and readjusted, restless and uncomfortable. Being jolted awake from a dead sleep can make it very hard to get back to sleep again. So I leaned back from the passenger seat and held his hand. And he held mine. I felt his little body slowly relax, and the feeling of that tiny warm hand completely enclosed by my hand was overwhelming. My heart grew that day. The grinch has nothing on a parent, who's heart swells every time their baby makes strong eye contact, every time their child says I love you too or gives hugs and kisses freely, and every time their son, who unlike his sister loves to be reassured by touch, holds on long after your back starts cramping and the seat belt is digging into your hip. It is an amazing thing, and I am so grateful for just that little thing.
Jon and I had gone on a road trip recently, about half a day's drive. We were so tired that by the time we got to the in-laws to pick up E, it was late and we had been on the road and neither of us could barely keep our eyes open. We still had an hour drive home, and had to stop and get C and the dogs at my mom's, get home and get the kids back to bed, and unload the car. That feeling of having so much to do when you are so tired....it's not a good feeling. On the interstate, Jon and I sat in the glow of the radio light and had tidbits of quiet conversation, and little E sat in his carseat, where he usually sleeps, and quietly babbled and readjusted, restless and uncomfortable. Being jolted awake from a dead sleep can make it very hard to get back to sleep again. So I leaned back from the passenger seat and held his hand. And he held mine. I felt his little body slowly relax, and the feeling of that tiny warm hand completely enclosed by my hand was overwhelming. My heart grew that day. The grinch has nothing on a parent, who's heart swells every time their baby makes strong eye contact, every time their child says I love you too or gives hugs and kisses freely, and every time their son, who unlike his sister loves to be reassured by touch, holds on long after your back starts cramping and the seat belt is digging into your hip. It is an amazing thing, and I am so grateful for just that little thing.
09 April 2012
I Heard It This Time
Sometimes I am just confuddled beyond belief about God. What an enigma, and complete source of love and justice....how does it all balance into perfection? I read this this morning: Psalms 31:7-8 - "I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have no delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place." He is not rejoicing because he has been rescued, brought out of his affliction. He is rejoicing because he has not been ruined, not delivered. Delivered? God did not take him to his enemies and hand him over. But instead, gave him a safe and wide road to walk on. Sometimes that road gets pretty narrow, but God will not push you off, will not allow you to fall into the depths of despair. You cling to him, and he will never let you go. The wording here..."you have known the distress of my soul"...known means that God has experienced it, that he feels it and knows EXACTLY what you are going through. And so much more. I am just resting in this today. Feeling complete and peaceful, being in Iowa City in the spring. It is so pretty here. The river, the hills, and the rolling countryside. While the interstate drive leaves something to be desired, the beauty I experience here in my soul is well worth the drive. Maybe it is being with an old friend that makes everything shine, but I am happy nonetheless. And I am reflecting on his sacrifice, his utter despair and pain, and realizing that I have nothing to complain about and nothing to worry about. I am but a sparrow, loved and adored, and completely safe and taken care of. Even if I don't see it. I know it to be true.
But Who Am I Really
I never ran again. I twisted my knee, then I got sick...and it all faded. Maybe I will again. Seems like there's always a reason not to, which means it is probably worth doing. It is as big struggle for me, because I really don't enjoy it like a lot of people seem to. I would much rather be swimming, but that costs money and takes a lot more time. We just moved, and there is a great park and bike path half a block away. So really...no excuses.
But beyond that...this blog is for writing. Yes that is a part of it, if it is a part of what I'm doing, but it isn't who I am. I've never been a runner, and I'm not sure I ever will be. I am all creativity. I feel it coursing through my veins, and it makes my heart pump so hard I feel like it is going to explode a lot of the time. Like it needs to get out, and splatter everything around me. Touch it, make it something that is mine, and beautiful, and stark, and unique. Something that can touch the soul of another.
But beyond that...this blog is for writing. Yes that is a part of it, if it is a part of what I'm doing, but it isn't who I am. I've never been a runner, and I'm not sure I ever will be. I am all creativity. I feel it coursing through my veins, and it makes my heart pump so hard I feel like it is going to explode a lot of the time. Like it needs to get out, and splatter everything around me. Touch it, make it something that is mine, and beautiful, and stark, and unique. Something that can touch the soul of another.
15 August 2011
C25K 1-2
Couch to 5K
Week One
Run Two
Soundtrack: Tenth Avenue North
Today I ran the second part of week one's couch to 5k. Guess what? It was pretty awesome! I did it by myself, which I actually really liked. This time I listened to Tenth Avenue North. Most of the songs on the album were the perfect tempo, and I'm all about tempo. By the end of the run on the last 60 second jog, I felt like I could go longer. That's a good sign, right? I do feel a lot more sore already though. I only have to run one more time before Saturday, so I can take two days and hopefully it will just get easier. That would be quite nice, I think.
Week One
Run Two
Soundtrack: Tenth Avenue North
Today I ran the second part of week one's couch to 5k. Guess what? It was pretty awesome! I did it by myself, which I actually really liked. This time I listened to Tenth Avenue North. Most of the songs on the album were the perfect tempo, and I'm all about tempo. By the end of the run on the last 60 second jog, I felt like I could go longer. That's a good sign, right? I do feel a lot more sore already though. I only have to run one more time before Saturday, so I can take two days and hopefully it will just get easier. That would be quite nice, I think.
C25K 1-1
Couch to 5K
Week One
Run One
Soundtrack: Paramore
This is my first post for the couch to 5K. I have been wanting to run for a long time, but always hated it....catch-22. Swimming has always been my thing. I LOVE to swim. But I don't have the cash for a membership somewhere, and getting there, swimming, showering, getting home....I don't have that kind of time either. So what can I do that is free? Run. It helps that Jon loves to run. It's infectious. When the Lincoln Marathon was drawing near this year, I thought about how awesome it would be if I could get myself ready for a half-marathon by that time next year. But I still didn't do anything about it.
I heard about the Couch to 5K plan from a few people, and I thought it was a really good plan. It could work. I showed it to Jon, and he decided to do it. Then I thought, "why not do it together?" What better way to motivate each other? So Saturday we decided to start. 25 minutes total. 5 minutes of a brisk warm-up walk, then alternating 60 seconds jogging with 90 seconds walking, then we did a 5 minute cool-down walk home.
I'm not gonna lie, I did think I was going to die after the first 60 second jog. I'm that out of shape. My lungs got tight, I realized I didn't take or have my inhaler, and I almost panicked. Then I thought, ok...quit being a weenie," and turns out I was ok. Each time we jogged, my lungs were less tight. They must have been thinking, "what is going on? Emergency! We are under attack...battle stations!" Then a little bit later, they thought, "oh...wait, I remember this. This is just exercise. False alarm everybody!" My legs cramped up, I was dripping in sweat, and you know what? It was pretty awesome. I thought after the first time, I was really going to have to force myself to go the next time. But I didn't. I've been waiting for it. Jon made me keep a day off between.
I listened to Paramore, which was too up-tempo. I thought fast rock music would be perfect, but I try to match my stride with the tempo, and I couldn't go that fast, and cutting it in half made me too slow, so it was not quite right. I have a lot of work to do in the music department to figure out a good running playlist.
So anyway, the plan is 9 weeks long, 3 runs a week. Each week I have to step it up. At the end of 9 weeks, I should be able to run 3.1 miles, or a 5k. There is a 5k at Pioneer's Park in December that i want to run. Saturday Jon and I ran together. During the week, I'll run alone. So this was day one. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Now I'm thinking next week, when I have to step it up, might be a big challenge. Won't know till I try though, right?
Week One
Run One
Soundtrack: Paramore
This is my first post for the couch to 5K. I have been wanting to run for a long time, but always hated it....catch-22. Swimming has always been my thing. I LOVE to swim. But I don't have the cash for a membership somewhere, and getting there, swimming, showering, getting home....I don't have that kind of time either. So what can I do that is free? Run. It helps that Jon loves to run. It's infectious. When the Lincoln Marathon was drawing near this year, I thought about how awesome it would be if I could get myself ready for a half-marathon by that time next year. But I still didn't do anything about it.
I heard about the Couch to 5K plan from a few people, and I thought it was a really good plan. It could work. I showed it to Jon, and he decided to do it. Then I thought, "why not do it together?" What better way to motivate each other? So Saturday we decided to start. 25 minutes total. 5 minutes of a brisk warm-up walk, then alternating 60 seconds jogging with 90 seconds walking, then we did a 5 minute cool-down walk home.
I'm not gonna lie, I did think I was going to die after the first 60 second jog. I'm that out of shape. My lungs got tight, I realized I didn't take or have my inhaler, and I almost panicked. Then I thought, ok...quit being a weenie," and turns out I was ok. Each time we jogged, my lungs were less tight. They must have been thinking, "what is going on? Emergency! We are under attack...battle stations!" Then a little bit later, they thought, "oh...wait, I remember this. This is just exercise. False alarm everybody!" My legs cramped up, I was dripping in sweat, and you know what? It was pretty awesome. I thought after the first time, I was really going to have to force myself to go the next time. But I didn't. I've been waiting for it. Jon made me keep a day off between.
I listened to Paramore, which was too up-tempo. I thought fast rock music would be perfect, but I try to match my stride with the tempo, and I couldn't go that fast, and cutting it in half made me too slow, so it was not quite right. I have a lot of work to do in the music department to figure out a good running playlist.
So anyway, the plan is 9 weeks long, 3 runs a week. Each week I have to step it up. At the end of 9 weeks, I should be able to run 3.1 miles, or a 5k. There is a 5k at Pioneer's Park in December that i want to run. Saturday Jon and I ran together. During the week, I'll run alone. So this was day one. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Now I'm thinking next week, when I have to step it up, might be a big challenge. Won't know till I try though, right?
I'm A Couch Potato
Let's face it. Somewhere between 2009 when I was going to school full-time and irregularly working out (swimming) at UNL, staying busy with Christian Challenge and always doing stuff and now...somewhere between two pregnancies, two kids, and fluctuating weight, big life changes, all kinds of catastrophies, stress, and emotions....I became a couch potato. I've always liked tv. I'm not the person who has shows I have to watch every week, although I do have shows I like to keep up on. It's not a huge priority.
You'd think that my life would have been so different after C came along. But after the first couple months, which were a certain kind of hell, she was easy. And she's always so active and independent, I was pretty active too. And even though I had a lot of issues with the pregnancy with E, I was still pretty active between being bedrests. The couple months before Emry was born, I was walking constantly. Had to get that baby out of my belly. The biggest change then came after, when he got so fussy, and had problem after problem, and was just sick...for so long. All those endless nights, and I suppose there were days in there too...it all just flew by. I was out of it. Other things got out of control. When one thing gets like that in my life, I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed, and then let go...hide under a rock...and things spiral from there.
Well, things always change. And this isn't who I am. So it's time for a change. The theme of my life right now is purpose. I am finding purpose in so many ways. Of course, the #1 way is God. I've been going to church and I am going to join a group this fall through the church. So because of this theme, I am developing a list of goals. My life is changing a lot right now, and although it's all for the better, it's going to be really hard to fix some of the things that I have let get out of control.
Goals:
{1} to have daily time with God, weekly time at church, and join mums this fall
{2} to do the couch to 5K (more on this later)
{3} to give up control and trust the people that are around me to take that control
{4} to eat meals at the dinner table with my husband and kids, and pray before each meal
{5} to plan meals, use coupons, and do so with healthy thoughts ;)
{6} to have a system of organization and follow it throughout the house
{7} to have a time every week set aside for family-time, where Jon and I and the kids do something together
{8} to have a time every week set aside for just Jon and I, no tv, where we can connect and talk and be focused on each other
{9} to always do something creative everyday-write, photos, music, draw...something every single day
This is my nine-week plan.
Of course, I always have to have some sort of mantra, so this song is where I'm at, and where I'm going.
"Break Me Down" -Tenth Avenue North
Yeah I feel You falling
Like the rain against my skin
And I hear You calling
Your voice like thunder in my head
But now I am stalling
'Cause I'm afraid to let You in
Come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again
I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours if You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me
Won't You break me down
I feel it inside me
I feel You underneath my skin
These walls could not hide me
They could not keep you from coming in
So now here You find me
Right back to where I began
Come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again
I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours if You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me down
Break me down, oh
Come and break me down
'Cause I need Your strength to feel this weak
I need Your touch to feel my need
I need Your strong hands to carry me
Take me break me set me free
'Cause I need Your strength to feel this weak
I need Your touch to feel my need
And I need Your strong hands to carry me
Take me bring me to my knees
I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours if you can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Come and break me down
Come and break me down, yeah
Won't You break me down
You'd think that my life would have been so different after C came along. But after the first couple months, which were a certain kind of hell, she was easy. And she's always so active and independent, I was pretty active too. And even though I had a lot of issues with the pregnancy with E, I was still pretty active between being bedrests. The couple months before Emry was born, I was walking constantly. Had to get that baby out of my belly. The biggest change then came after, when he got so fussy, and had problem after problem, and was just sick...for so long. All those endless nights, and I suppose there were days in there too...it all just flew by. I was out of it. Other things got out of control. When one thing gets like that in my life, I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed, and then let go...hide under a rock...and things spiral from there.
Well, things always change. And this isn't who I am. So it's time for a change. The theme of my life right now is purpose. I am finding purpose in so many ways. Of course, the #1 way is God. I've been going to church and I am going to join a group this fall through the church. So because of this theme, I am developing a list of goals. My life is changing a lot right now, and although it's all for the better, it's going to be really hard to fix some of the things that I have let get out of control.
Goals:
{1} to have daily time with God, weekly time at church, and join mums this fall
{2} to do the couch to 5K (more on this later)
{3} to give up control and trust the people that are around me to take that control
{4} to eat meals at the dinner table with my husband and kids, and pray before each meal
{5} to plan meals, use coupons, and do so with healthy thoughts ;)
{6} to have a system of organization and follow it throughout the house
{7} to have a time every week set aside for family-time, where Jon and I and the kids do something together
{8} to have a time every week set aside for just Jon and I, no tv, where we can connect and talk and be focused on each other
{9} to always do something creative everyday-write, photos, music, draw...something every single day
This is my nine-week plan.
Of course, I always have to have some sort of mantra, so this song is where I'm at, and where I'm going.
"Break Me Down" -Tenth Avenue North
Yeah I feel You falling
Like the rain against my skin
And I hear You calling
Your voice like thunder in my head
But now I am stalling
'Cause I'm afraid to let You in
Come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again
I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours if You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me
Won't You break me down
I feel it inside me
I feel You underneath my skin
These walls could not hide me
They could not keep you from coming in
So now here You find me
Right back to where I began
Come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again
I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours if You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me down
Break me down, oh
Come and break me down
'Cause I need Your strength to feel this weak
I need Your touch to feel my need
I need Your strong hands to carry me
Take me break me set me free
'Cause I need Your strength to feel this weak
I need Your touch to feel my need
And I need Your strong hands to carry me
Take me bring me to my knees
I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours if you can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Come and break me down
Come and break me down, yeah
Won't You break me down
16 July 2011
Oh, To Capture
This song speaks to me. The beauty of it is simple and inspiring. When I listen to this song, I think of the photographs that make me feel the same way. Sometimes the photos I take are a form of worship, and I want to expand on this. To do so, I am going to be intentional when I take photos. The purpose of photography for me is to capture moments of genuine personality and genuine beauty. Beauty in the way that when you look at this face, or this shadow, or this tree, or whatever, that you see God's glory and pure creation. That I why I love taking pictures. That is why I want to capture these moments in time. This song is the closest that I have found that describes and sounds like I feel when I am creating and capturing.
"Hymn" by Jars of Clay
Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own
Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide
[Chorus:]
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign
[Chorus]
Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye
[Chorus x 2]
Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee
"Hymn" by Jars of Clay
Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own
Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide
[Chorus:]
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign
[Chorus]
Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye
[Chorus x 2]
Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee
04 July 2011
As I Sit Here and Think I Begin to Wonder
As I sit here, I think about too much. My mind is scattered. It lands on one thing, but doesn't commit, and flits to the next before I have time to recover. I am tired. Jon is tired. We just keep on truckin', but sometimes I wonder how we'll keep up at this pace. Our house is a mess, and nothing we want to do ever gets done. Sometimes I wonder what it was like before kids. Could I really just do anything at any time just because I felt like it? I don't remember cherishing that kind of freedom. The funny thing is that I don't really want to go anywhere in particular. Really, I just want to do things like clean out the storage room. Or do ALL our laundry. Or really scrub the kitchen floor. Things that just take too much time and energy. I get tired just thinking about them. Then I start to feel guilty. Am I lazy? I'd like to think that if my baby ate like a normal kid, I would have more time and energy to do things, and I would do things. But I feel so lazy, and guilty. I want to provide my kids with the best life possible. Instead I feel like I am failing in this. They are happy, this is true, but will they be in the future?
Last night Jon gave me a few hours away. A friend in a similar situation and I were able to get out of the house for a bit, then go to hers and watch a movie and drink a little wine. It was soothing, and nice. Even though we talked about our kids most of the night, I think we both needed that person to talk to face to face. There are bright spots, more bright spots than darkness in our lives.
Today is the fourth of July, and it is a reminder that there are much larger problems than mine in the world, and that people in much crazier situations than mine are able to function. We will figure this out. And it won't last forever, things will change...in one way or another. God is our mainstay, our eternal help. It's hard to grasp when we need help physically so much, but I am clinging to Him in this time. I don't have much time or energy to devote to my spiritual walk, something I also feel guilty about, but I know that He is there and will pull us through. We are in His hands. I feel like we are dangling from his fingers about to fall deep into the depths, but He is holding on. I'm sure we got ourselves there in the first place. We pray for His blessing on our home and our children, and we are thankful that He always provides and has given us two of the sweetest and happiest babies ever. If you are reading this, I hope you pray for us. It's not always going to be like this, and we will make it through. And having support from wonderful friends and family has helped. Having people praying, some people we don't even know, is amazing and we appreciate it so much. When I think about it, my heart swells with gladness.
Last night Jon gave me a few hours away. A friend in a similar situation and I were able to get out of the house for a bit, then go to hers and watch a movie and drink a little wine. It was soothing, and nice. Even though we talked about our kids most of the night, I think we both needed that person to talk to face to face. There are bright spots, more bright spots than darkness in our lives.
Today is the fourth of July, and it is a reminder that there are much larger problems than mine in the world, and that people in much crazier situations than mine are able to function. We will figure this out. And it won't last forever, things will change...in one way or another. God is our mainstay, our eternal help. It's hard to grasp when we need help physically so much, but I am clinging to Him in this time. I don't have much time or energy to devote to my spiritual walk, something I also feel guilty about, but I know that He is there and will pull us through. We are in His hands. I feel like we are dangling from his fingers about to fall deep into the depths, but He is holding on. I'm sure we got ourselves there in the first place. We pray for His blessing on our home and our children, and we are thankful that He always provides and has given us two of the sweetest and happiest babies ever. If you are reading this, I hope you pray for us. It's not always going to be like this, and we will make it through. And having support from wonderful friends and family has helped. Having people praying, some people we don't even know, is amazing and we appreciate it so much. When I think about it, my heart swells with gladness.
21 June 2011
Get Your Geek On
I've decided I'm a late geek bloomer. Recently I've been watching random Star Trek NG when it's on tv, and now I want to watch them all in order. Then the movies. I'm also starting Battlestar Galactica. What is with this obsession with science fiction all of a sudden?
I think it's more of a love of fantasy. Things that could happen, could have been (a shout-out to my great love Star Wars), or that I wish somewhere deep down do occur unseen. Thinking about all of this brings me to other geekdom loves, such as comic characters. Their struggle with the ultimate good and evil. This is something we obviously all love. It is apparent in epic movies and now movies based on comic book characters and their stories are quite prevalent today. The first comic book hero to come to the big screen was Superman. And he is by far my all-time favorite.
I started getting interested in the story when Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman started airing on TV. I was in high school. Since then I got into Smallville, and with the end of that series, which very much touched my heart, I've watched the old Superman movies, gone back and watched some of the Lois and Clark TV series, and had a desire to find out about the Superman lore from the comics. The story of a man who could have everything and yet strives against all odds to do good and be a good person and help the world around him speaks to us, I think, because of a different reason.Anyway, I don't want to get philosophical, but the point is...Jesus is my superman. And I am so grateful to be his Lois Lane. To be saved over and over, even when it doesn't look like there is any way out. Maybe there's a reason my inner geek is striving to grow. Maybe it's coinciding with spiritual growth for a reason.
14 June 2011
It could be worse.
I keep reminding myself, it could be worse. I feel so alone, isolated, far from my loved ones, and like an utter failure. Then, I think, why should I focus on how much worse it could be? It doesn't make me feel better, or any happier. I actually feel worse. Because as bad as I feel, there are people who feel more desolate and lost than I do. If that's possible, and I'm sure it is, then I'm just now starting to understand the depravity of this world. It truly is a dark and lonely place. Instead, I try to focus on my Savior. It is hard because I cannot see him or feel him right now. But I know he's there. And right now, that's enough to get me to tomorrow.
12 June 2011
Feelings
I was driving down O Street. My car has been having some issues, so it's hard for me to get started, but once I get going I'm ok. Each stoplight kept turning red right when I got to it. I'd have to get going all slow and cars were passing me on both sides. I felt such a parallel to my life right now. Every time things get going, and things seem to be looking up, I have to start all over again. And the faster or higher I get, the lower and harder I fall. It takes longer each time to get going again. I feel so beaten down. E's health issues have affected every aspect of our lives. I can't work much because he needs so much attention. C doesn't get as much attention, and really E doesn't get as much as he would if he was healthy either. Most of our time is spent getting feedings ready, and he sleeps a lot of the time in between. We don't get much sleep, and when we do get a good amount (5-6 hours), it's broken into at least two chunks. It's starting to really wear me down. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. Our finances are horrendous. We thought we were really making progress, even in to April. That first hospital stay was the start of a downhill mudslide. Between expensive formula, then more expensive formula, then using higher concentrations and thus going through the most expensive formula even faster....and expensive medicines....and huge bills from his stays and treatments, labs and tests and many many visits to the pediatrician...I'm starting to feel pretty beaten down. Maybe this is just something we all go through at some point. I know things will look up sometime soon.
This is how I feel today. My emotions are all over the place, but they are trapped beneath the surface...as if it is cold out and I'm a lake, and even when there's a break in the ice, the top freezes over so quickly nothing can get out.
I have other feelings. I feel so afraid that there's something lurking behind E's health issues. That we are only treating symptoms of some monster that has yet to rear its ugly head. I am afraid that C will feel neglected, or that she will prefer others to me because I'm not there for her like I have been in the past. I'm afraid of every cough or sneeze or worse, stomach bug that we cross b/c that will be enough to throw E over the edge. I'm afraid that JD will have to miss more work, when he really can't miss work, and I'm afraid that if he ever gets sick even for a couple days, that I can't do things on my own. I'm afraid for this week, that I can't handle everything on my plate, and won't be able to even take care of both kids at once by myself. I'm afraid of losing myself.
But I am grateful too. I am so thankful for our family. JD's family have supported us beyond measure, both physically and emotionally. They have given so much of their time and love for our grandkids, and they love doing it and never make us feel like we owe them or like they are doing us a favor. They shower us with grace and love and I will never be able to show them how grateful I am. My mom and CS have been amazing as well. Mom went clear to Omaha with me, and then came back and stayed with me. CS and JC have both helped around the house so much, clearing gutters, trimming trees, mowing, fixing things...and LC has given me so much motivation and emotional support. Not to mention being very flexible with work. Everyone has been wonderful...asking how we are doing. And I know how much worse it could be. I've done so much research...I've seen families going through things sooooooo much more intense and terrifying. I'm grateful that we are able to be home, and that E is happy and relatively healthy and growing.
Most of all I am humbled by my heavenly Father. I feel safe, despite my fears, tears, and anguish. I know He is holding my family in His hands...and that He has a plan for us. My children are His, and I am so grateful for the gift of them. I know He will always provide for us, and that He will give us peace and somehow carry us through this mess.
This is how I feel today. My emotions are all over the place, but they are trapped beneath the surface...as if it is cold out and I'm a lake, and even when there's a break in the ice, the top freezes over so quickly nothing can get out.
I have other feelings. I feel so afraid that there's something lurking behind E's health issues. That we are only treating symptoms of some monster that has yet to rear its ugly head. I am afraid that C will feel neglected, or that she will prefer others to me because I'm not there for her like I have been in the past. I'm afraid of every cough or sneeze or worse, stomach bug that we cross b/c that will be enough to throw E over the edge. I'm afraid that JD will have to miss more work, when he really can't miss work, and I'm afraid that if he ever gets sick even for a couple days, that I can't do things on my own. I'm afraid for this week, that I can't handle everything on my plate, and won't be able to even take care of both kids at once by myself. I'm afraid of losing myself.
But I am grateful too. I am so thankful for our family. JD's family have supported us beyond measure, both physically and emotionally. They have given so much of their time and love for our grandkids, and they love doing it and never make us feel like we owe them or like they are doing us a favor. They shower us with grace and love and I will never be able to show them how grateful I am. My mom and CS have been amazing as well. Mom went clear to Omaha with me, and then came back and stayed with me. CS and JC have both helped around the house so much, clearing gutters, trimming trees, mowing, fixing things...and LC has given me so much motivation and emotional support. Not to mention being very flexible with work. Everyone has been wonderful...asking how we are doing. And I know how much worse it could be. I've done so much research...I've seen families going through things sooooooo much more intense and terrifying. I'm grateful that we are able to be home, and that E is happy and relatively healthy and growing.
Most of all I am humbled by my heavenly Father. I feel safe, despite my fears, tears, and anguish. I know He is holding my family in His hands...and that He has a plan for us. My children are His, and I am so grateful for the gift of them. I know He will always provide for us, and that He will give us peace and somehow carry us through this mess.
06 June 2011
The View From Up Here
I'm sitting here, on a bench in a hospital room in Omaha, looking out at the city and wondering why time never stays the same. Time is supposed to be a constant, always moving at the same pace. Why does it fly? Why does it stop? How can it do those things, and yet still be moving at the same old rate it always does at the same time?
Cars fly by constantly on Dodge Street, so I know there are people out there living their lives. Someone hit the pause button in my life. All the things I thought I would be doing, they aren't getting done. The important thing is that progress is being made, despite the halt of time in my universe. I look out at the bushy, broccoli-like tops of the trees that fill the horizon, and think...they must know how I feel.
Cars fly by constantly on Dodge Street, so I know there are people out there living their lives. Someone hit the pause button in my life. All the things I thought I would be doing, they aren't getting done. The important thing is that progress is being made, despite the halt of time in my universe. I look out at the bushy, broccoli-like tops of the trees that fill the horizon, and think...they must know how I feel.
25 May 2011
Turmoil
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