C25K 1-2

Couch to 5K
Week One
Run Two
Soundtrack: Tenth Avenue North


Today I ran the second part of week one's couch to 5k.  Guess what?  It was pretty awesome!  I did it by myself, which I actually really liked.  This time I listened to Tenth Avenue North.  Most of the songs on the album were the perfect tempo, and I'm all about tempo.  By the end of the run on the last 60 second jog, I felt like I could go longer.  That's a good sign, right?  I do feel a lot more sore already though.  I only have to run one more time before Saturday, so I can take two days and hopefully it will just get easier.  That would be quite nice, I think.

C25K 1-1

Couch to 5K
Week One
Run One
Soundtrack: Paramore

This is my first post for the couch to 5K.  I have been wanting to run for a long time, but always hated it....catch-22.  Swimming has always been my thing.  I LOVE to swim.  But I don't have the cash for a membership somewhere, and getting there, swimming, showering, getting home....I don't have that kind of time either.  So what can I do that is free?  Run.  It helps that Jon loves to run.  It's infectious.  When the Lincoln Marathon was drawing near this year, I thought about how awesome it would be if I could get myself ready for a half-marathon by that time next year.  But I still didn't do anything about it.

I heard about the Couch to 5K plan from a few people, and I thought it was a really good plan.  It could work.  I showed it to Jon, and he decided to do it.  Then I thought, "why not do it together?"  What better way to motivate each other?  So Saturday we decided to start.  25 minutes total.  5 minutes of a brisk warm-up walk, then alternating 60 seconds jogging with 90 seconds walking, then we did a 5 minute cool-down walk home.

I'm not gonna lie, I did think I was going to die after the first 60 second jog.  I'm that out of shape.  My lungs got tight, I realized I didn't take or have my inhaler, and I almost panicked.  Then I thought, ok...quit being a weenie," and turns out I was ok.  Each time we jogged, my lungs were less tight.  They must have been thinking, "what is going on?  Emergency!  We are under attack...battle stations!"  Then a little bit later, they thought, "oh...wait, I remember this.  This is just exercise.  False alarm everybody!"  My legs cramped up, I was dripping in sweat, and you know what?  It was pretty awesome.  I thought after the first time, I was really going to have to force myself to go the next time.  But I didn't.  I've been waiting for it.  Jon made me keep a day off between.

I listened to Paramore, which was too up-tempo.  I thought fast rock music would be perfect, but I try to match my stride with the tempo, and I couldn't go that fast, and cutting it in half made me too slow, so it was not quite right.  I have a lot of work to do in the music department to figure out a good running playlist.

So anyway, the plan is 9 weeks long, 3 runs a week.  Each week I have to step it up.  At the end of 9 weeks, I should be able to run 3.1 miles, or a 5k.  There is a 5k at Pioneer's Park in December that i want to run.  Saturday Jon and I ran together.  During the week, I'll run alone.  So this was day one.  And it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Now I'm thinking next week, when I have to step it up, might be a big challenge.  Won't know till I try though, right?

I'm A Couch Potato

Let's face it.  Somewhere between 2009 when I was going to school full-time and irregularly working out (swimming) at UNL, staying busy with Christian Challenge and always doing stuff and now...somewhere between two pregnancies, two kids, and fluctuating weight, big life changes, all kinds of catastrophies, stress, and emotions....I became a couch potato.  I've always liked tv.  I'm not the person who has shows I have to watch every week, although I do have shows I like to keep up on.  It's not a huge priority.

You'd think that my life would have been so different after C came along.  But after the first couple months, which were a certain kind of hell, she was easy.  And she's always so active and independent, I was pretty active too.  And even though I had a lot of issues with the pregnancy with E, I was still pretty active between being bedrests.  The couple months before Emry was born, I was walking constantly.  Had to get that baby out of my belly.  The biggest change then came after, when he got so fussy, and had problem after problem, and was just sick...for so long.  All those endless nights, and I suppose there were days in there too...it all just flew by.  I was out of it.  Other things got out of control.  When one thing gets like that in my life, I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed, and then let go...hide under a rock...and things spiral from there.

Well, things always change.  And this isn't who I am.  So it's time for a change.  The theme of my life right now is purpose.  I am finding purpose in so many ways.  Of course, the #1 way is God.  I've been going to church and I am going to join a group this fall through the church.  So because of this theme, I am developing a list of goals.  My life is changing a lot right now, and although it's all for the better, it's going to be really hard to fix some of the things that I have let get out of control.

Goals:

{1} to have daily time with God, weekly time at church, and join mums this fall
{2} to do the couch to 5K (more on this later)
{3} to give up control and trust the people that are around me to take that control
{4} to eat meals at the dinner table with my husband and kids, and pray before each meal
{5} to plan meals, use coupons, and do so with healthy thoughts ;)
{6} to have a system of organization and follow it throughout the house
{7} to have a time every week set aside for family-time, where Jon and I and the kids do something together
{8} to have a time every week set aside for just Jon and I, no tv, where we can connect and talk and be focused on each other
{9} to always do something creative everyday-write, photos, music, draw...something every single day

This is my nine-week plan.


Of course, I always have to have some sort of mantra, so this song is where I'm at, and where I'm going.

"Break Me Down" -Tenth Avenue North

Yeah I feel You falling
Like the rain against my skin
And I hear You calling
Your voice like thunder in my head

But now I am stalling
'Cause I'm afraid to let You in
Come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours if You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me
Won't You break me down

I feel it inside me
I feel You underneath my skin
These walls could not hide me
They could not keep you from coming in

So now here You find me
Right back to where I began
Come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours if You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me down
Break me down, oh
Come and break me down

'Cause I need Your strength to feel this weak
I need Your touch to feel my need
I need Your strong hands to carry me
Take me break me set me free

'Cause I need Your strength to feel this weak
I need Your touch to feel my need
And I need Your strong hands to carry me
Take me bring me to my knees

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours if you can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Come and break me down
Come and break me down, yeah
Won't You break me down 

Oh, To Capture

This song speaks to me.  The beauty of it is simple and inspiring.  When I listen to this song, I think of the photographs that make me feel the same way.  Sometimes the photos I take are a form of worship, and I want to expand on this.  To do so, I am going to be intentional when I take photos.  The purpose of photography for me is to capture moments of genuine personality and genuine beauty.  Beauty in the way that when you look at this face, or this shadow, or this tree, or whatever, that you see God's glory and pure creation.  That I why I love taking pictures.  That is why I want to capture these moments in time.  This song is the closest that I have found that describes and sounds like I feel when I am creating and capturing.    


"Hymn" by Jars of Clay


Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own

Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide

[Chorus:]

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee

When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign

[Chorus]

Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye

[Chorus x 2]

Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee 

As I Sit Here and Think I Begin to Wonder

As I sit here, I think about too much.  My mind is scattered.  It lands on one thing, but doesn't commit, and flits to the next before I have time to recover.  I am tired.  Jon is tired.  We just keep on truckin', but sometimes I wonder how we'll keep up at this pace.  Our house is a mess, and nothing we want to do ever gets done.  Sometimes I wonder what it was like before kids.  Could I really just do anything at any time just because I felt like it?  I don't remember cherishing that kind of freedom.  The funny thing is that I don't really want to go anywhere in particular.  Really, I just want to do things like clean out the storage room.  Or do ALL our laundry.  Or really scrub the kitchen floor.  Things that just take too much time and energy.  I get tired just thinking about them.  Then I start to feel guilty.  Am I lazy?  I'd like to think that if my baby ate like a normal kid, I would have more time and energy to do things, and I would do things.  But I feel so lazy, and guilty.  I want to provide my kids with the best life possible.  Instead I feel like I am failing in this.  They are happy, this is true, but will they be in the future?

Last night Jon gave me a few hours away.  A friend in a similar situation and I were able to get out of the house for a bit, then go to hers and watch a movie and drink a little wine.  It was soothing, and nice.  Even though we talked about our kids most of the night, I think we both needed that person to talk to face to face.  There are bright spots, more bright spots than darkness in our lives.

Today is the fourth of July, and it is a reminder that there are much larger problems than mine in the world, and that people in much crazier situations than mine are able to function.  We will figure this out.  And it won't last forever, things will change...in one way or another.  God is our mainstay, our eternal help.  It's hard to grasp when we need help physically so much, but I am clinging to Him in this time.  I don't have much time or energy to devote to my spiritual walk, something I also feel guilty about, but I know that He is there and will pull us through.  We are in His hands.  I feel like we are dangling from his fingers about to fall deep into the depths, but He is holding on.  I'm sure we got ourselves there in the first place.  We pray for His blessing on our home and our children, and we are thankful that He always provides and has given us two of the sweetest and happiest babies ever.  If you are reading this, I hope you pray for us.  It's not always going to be like this, and we will make it through.  And having support from wonderful friends and family has helped.  Having people praying, some people we don't even know, is amazing and we appreciate it so much.  When I think about it, my heart swells with gladness.

Get Your Geek On

I've decided I'm a late geek bloomer.  Recently I've been watching random Star Trek NG when it's on tv, and now I want to watch them all in order.  Then the movies.  I'm also starting Battlestar Galactica.  What is with this obsession with science fiction all of a sudden?

I think it's more of a love of fantasy.  Things that could happen, could have been (a shout-out to my great love Star Wars), or that I wish somewhere deep down do occur unseen.  Thinking about all of this brings me to other geekdom loves, such as comic characters.  Their struggle with the ultimate good and evil.  This is something we obviously all love.  It is apparent in epic movies and now movies based on comic book characters and their stories are quite prevalent today.  The first comic book hero to come to the big screen was Superman.  And he is by far my all-time favorite.


I started getting interested in the story when Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman started airing on TV.  I was in high school.  Since then I got into Smallville, and with the end of that series, which very much touched my heart, I've watched the old Superman movies, gone back and watched some of the Lois and Clark TV series, and had a desire to find out about the Superman lore from the comics.  The story of a man who could have everything and yet strives against all odds to do good and be a good person and help the world around him speaks to us, I think, because of a different reason.

Anyway, I don't want to get philosophical, but the point is...Jesus is my superman.  And I am so grateful to be his Lois Lane.  To be saved over and over, even when it doesn't look like there is any way out.  Maybe there's a reason my inner geek is striving to grow.  Maybe it's coinciding with spiritual growth for a reason.

It could be worse.

I keep reminding myself, it could be worse.  I feel so alone, isolated, far from my loved ones, and like an utter failure.  Then, I think, why should I focus on how much worse it could be?  It doesn't make me feel better, or any happier.  I actually feel worse.  Because as bad as I feel, there are people who feel more desolate and lost than I do.  If that's possible, and I'm sure it is, then I'm just now starting to understand the depravity of this world.  It truly is a dark and lonely place.  Instead, I try to focus on my Savior.  It is hard because I cannot see him or feel him right now.  But I know he's there.  And right now, that's enough to get me to tomorrow.

Feelings

I was driving down O Street.  My car has been having some issues, so it's hard for me to get started, but once I get going I'm ok.  Each stoplight kept turning red right when I got to it.  I'd have to get going all slow and cars were passing me on both sides.  I felt such a parallel to my life right now.  Every time things get going, and things seem to be looking up, I have to start all over again.  And the faster or higher I get, the lower and harder I fall.  It takes longer each time to get going again.  I feel so beaten down.  E's health issues have affected every aspect of our lives.  I can't work much because he needs so much attention.  C doesn't get as much attention, and really E doesn't get as much as he would if he was healthy either.  Most of our time is spent getting feedings ready, and he sleeps a lot of the time in between.  We don't get much sleep, and when we do get a good amount (5-6 hours), it's broken into at least two chunks.  It's starting to really wear me down.  Maybe I'm just having a bad day.  Our finances are horrendous.  We thought we were really making progress, even in to April.  That first hospital stay was the start of a downhill mudslide. Between expensive formula, then more expensive formula, then using higher concentrations and thus going through the most expensive formula even faster....and expensive medicines....and huge bills from his stays and treatments, labs and tests and many many visits to the pediatrician...I'm starting to feel pretty beaten down.  Maybe this is just something we all go through at some point.  I know things will look up sometime soon.  

This is how I feel today.  My emotions are all over the place, but they are trapped beneath the surface...as if it is cold out and I'm a lake, and even when there's a break in the ice, the top freezes over so quickly nothing can get out.

I have other feelings.  I feel so afraid that there's something lurking behind E's health issues.  That we are only treating symptoms of some monster that has yet to rear its ugly head.  I am afraid that C will feel neglected, or that she will prefer others to me because I'm not there for her like I have been in the past.  I'm afraid of every cough or sneeze or worse, stomach bug that we cross b/c that will be enough to throw E over the edge.  I'm afraid that JD will have to miss more work, when he really can't miss work, and I'm afraid that if he ever gets sick even for a couple days, that I can't do things on my own.  I'm afraid for this week, that I can't handle everything on my plate, and won't be able to even take care of both kids at once by myself.  I'm afraid of losing myself.

But I am grateful too.  I am so thankful for our family.  JD's family have supported us beyond measure, both physically and emotionally.  They have given so much of their time and love for our grandkids, and they love doing it and never make us feel like we owe them or like they are doing us a favor.  They shower us with grace and love and I will never be able to show them how grateful I am.  My mom and CS have been amazing as well.  Mom went clear to Omaha with me, and then came back and stayed with me.  CS and JC have both helped around the house so much, clearing gutters, trimming trees, mowing, fixing things...and LC has given me so much motivation and emotional support.  Not to mention being very flexible with work.  Everyone has been wonderful...asking how we are doing.  And I know how much worse it could be.  I've done so much research...I've seen families going through things sooooooo much more intense and terrifying.  I'm grateful that we are able to be home, and that E is happy and relatively healthy and growing.

Most of all I am humbled by my heavenly Father.  I feel safe, despite my fears, tears, and anguish.  I know He is holding my family in His hands...and that He has a plan for us.  My children are His, and I am so grateful for the gift of them.  I know He will always provide for us, and that He will give us peace and somehow carry us through this mess.

The View From Up Here

I'm sitting here, on a bench in a hospital room in Omaha, looking out at the city and wondering why time never stays the same.  Time is supposed to be a constant, always moving at the same pace.  Why does it fly?  Why does it stop?  How can it do those things, and yet still be moving at the same old rate it always does at the same time?

Cars fly by constantly on Dodge Street, so I know there are people out there living their lives.  Someone hit the pause button in my life.  All the things I thought I would be doing, they aren't getting done.  The important thing is that progress is being made, despite the halt of time in my universe.  I look out at the bushy, broccoli-like tops of the trees that fill the horizon, and think...they must know how I feel.

Turmoil

Today it is windy.  I am sitting in my chair by the window, watching the wind throw the branches around.  It reminds me of how nothing stays the same.  Even when I am not moving, the wind is moving through me.  My life has been in a constant state of upheaval recently.  Thank goodness I am planted where I am...but all the branches in my life are being thrown around, sometimes quite violently.  I am looking forward to sunnier days.  Where the sun causes growth and happiness and stillness and I can peacefully look up at the blue sky and take a nice deep breath.  I am a tree, reaching toward the heavens. Slowly growing each day closer to the one who created me.  I may be bowed by the wind, but I am strong enough to keep growing.

The Skies. Plural.

Today I randomly selected

Psalm 19:1

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. as my verse of the day.  I think it is so interesting that the author chooses to say the skies rather than the mountains, flowers, canyons, trees...the earth.  The sky is empty, but it is full of wonder.  The heavens, the skies.  God's glory is all around us, and even in the places we can't see, there are proclamations of his wonder.  This verse brings visions of a gorgeous sunset, or a deep blue sky with ethereal white wisps of clouds.  Looking up at night and gazing at the universe.  Or the kind of sky you can stare up at through tree branches for long, deep moments of time and feel like something profound has occurred, despite the fact that nothing has changed.  The sky is always moving and yet never changes.  It's the one thing that stays the same and is never the same simultaneously.  Thinking of something so out of our reach, that we cannot even hold or touch...it seems like the perfect transition from us homely humans who are like ants on the ground to God.  In heaven.  Starting from us playing in the dirt, to the sky, which we can see, then the stars, (which...I won't even delve into their awesomeness today) then God.  In my mind anyway, it seems fitting that the sky is above us.  Where we can look up and hope.   We can see why the sky (or multiple...the sky, the stars, then the heavens themself...everything we can see looking up and more) strive to glorify God and all He IS and has created.  Wow.

Never Forget

Creating is what I'm made for.  It's what we all are made for.  I have a constant yearning to do this, and anything else pales in comparison.  I don't want my life to feel stagnant, and I don't want to ignore my calling in this life.  Knowing this, and owning it, I am taking control and devoting this chapter in my life to creating.  To answering that call, acknowledging the deep yearning I feel to write and create, and going for it head strong.  Being the person I long to be.  It's easy to say, much harder to do.  On this cold May day, I feel like curling into myself and sleeping a long sleep, waking when life is easier.  But instead, I'm going to perform life.  I'm going to set goals, and live up to my own vision of myself.  My first goal is to write everyday, whether it is through blogging, writing my book, or writing music.  My second goal is to finish my first book and publish it by the end of the summer.